Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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