my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
