Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
