just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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