My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
