I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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