I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
