He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
