Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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