when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
