My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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