i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
She said her name was "party"
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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