Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
