I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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