could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
