there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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