He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
