I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Congratulations! We have a period
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