Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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