In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I need a burrito and a hug.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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