if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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