I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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