woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
