if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize