I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
