So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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