and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
