We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
