Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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