This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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