I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
