wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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