Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
