the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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