i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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