I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
only you would photoshop your dick
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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