I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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