last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
