Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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