i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
