I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
