Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
