There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
