yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
