just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
