I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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