Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
