did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize