We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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