Pappa wants mamma naked
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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