Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize