i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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