Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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