Already got asked if we're dating
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
