Umm I'm too high to move.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
