1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
