Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
