oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
