last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
my shit smells like andre
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
