this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
