Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize