Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
