im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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