we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
