I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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