When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
