I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Randomize
