i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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