We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
