im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
i out mim tonsoeep
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