i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
