I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
