No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
